Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
the dark web is just a goth google.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.