Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Always leave them wanting their money back.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.