Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
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It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.