Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
A short story about romance.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales