Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…