Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’ve disappointed better people.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want