Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
one week till the election
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer