Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Salad is the decaf of food.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.