Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries