Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“