Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
mandolin: finally a violin for men
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.