Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.