Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
😂😂
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”