Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.