Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

saving face 👀

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.