Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.