Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

this year felt like being awake during surgery

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck: