Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
drew a comic about my origin story
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.