Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

son: I don’t care, you dumb baby!

daughter: I’m not a dumb baby, you’re a dumb baby!

me: hey!!! what have I told you guys?!?

son & daughter: all babies are dumb so it’s redundant

me: thank you!

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

Yup

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.