Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

honestly, i need both:

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level