Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..

Now I just smell like shit

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

i was baptized in a car wash

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.