Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?