Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
what
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
this is the kind of friend i am
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*