Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.