Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.