Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

🤣

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

I hope this email finds you in a well

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom