Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
You Might Also Like
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
