Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
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I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
me
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.