Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
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[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”