Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
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The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
an octopus is just a wet spider
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.