Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
You Might Also Like
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Happy Thanksgiving
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..