Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.