since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”