since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Why is âsilly gooseâ a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters Iâve ever encountered not one of them is silly
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best Iâm a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of âdishes in the sink are lavaâ
Iâve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and Iâve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? đ
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
if someone sees a pic of you and says âwow youâre photogenicâ what theyâre really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: Iâm sitting down to read and have my coffee. Donât come in here unless itâs an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
âMOOOMMMM! HEâS BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND MEâ
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighborâs very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile âwell if it isnât Mr. Fallâ
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
