since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
This rocks
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
