Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
me at the job i begged god for
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.