Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
😭😭😭😭
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!