Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
You Might Also Like
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Holy shit he’s back
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones