Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Family Celebrity

peak technology

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

This is my brand.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time