Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Sharon I have some bad news
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?