Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
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A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.