Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.