Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Netflix and scream at our children?!

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.