Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
You Might Also Like
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.