@CruisinSoozan

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

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@Brampersandon_

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

@RocketRankoon

Facebook: “Hey why are you making dumb jokes?! Some of us are praying over here!”
Me: *backs away slowly*
[My Twitter origin story]

@solsayswhaaa

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

@lazerdoov

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

@faisaladam_

If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.

@stanleybehrman

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

@robotmouthfarts

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

@i_theindian

When your nose is running and your feet smell, you are not sick you’re just built upside down.

@Try2StopME

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.