Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.