Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

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*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.


The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.


I thought I was listening to a Maroon 5 song on the radio when I realized that the radio is off and I need to have my brakes changed.


ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.


Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.


Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself


Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.


Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min


My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions