since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
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My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad