Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.