Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.