Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Oh yeah that’s it
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion