Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.