[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
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Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.
Not all heroes wear crepes.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.
The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.