Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”


Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake.

Not all heroes wear crepes.


Making my kids homemade blueberry muffins.
*opens package*
*adds water*


Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..


HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*


them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph


I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.


The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.


I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.