Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.