Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.