Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.