Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
😤😤
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*