Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?