Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Dance like you’re not the father
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.