Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.