Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*