Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there