Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite