Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.