Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.