Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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This makes total sense…
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If you want my opinion ask my wife
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary