Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.