Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
real
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.